hardest things

photo courtesy of eklektik2x
"...having words in your heart that you can't utter."-James Earl Jones     Our culture grieves rarely.  We save up our grief, disappointment, anguish and sadness for when someone dies when suddenly all our pent up emotions come spilling out.  Truthfully, grief is not just saved for the death of a loved one.  One can grieve any time circumstances cease being what they used to.  For example, if your parents get divorced, you can grieve.  If your dog dies, you can grieve.  When your friend or someone you knew commits suicide, you can grieve.  Not all these things are on the same level of loss and obviously the grief is going to be different for each of us, but we are allowed to grieve.  Our culture tells us to 'get over it', but I'm telling you that you can grieve and cry and get angry and that it is permissible to do that.  The only thing we have to be careful of is not to harm someone else in our grief.  
I'm sure you've heard of the seven stages of grief--shock & denial, pain & guilt, anger & bargaining, depression, reflection & loneliness, the upward turn, reconstruction and working through, acceptance and hope.  There is this myth that you can work through the stages and at some point put them behind you.  I like that theory because it's like a homework assignment, I can work through it at my own pace, cross it off and never have to look at it again, right?  Wrong.  
These stages all run together.  One day I might feel as if I'm over the shock of the situation and I'm working through what my life looks like on this side of grief when like a Mack truck, the anger hits me all over again and I want to deck something.  (I said WANT to deck something, notice I didn't say I hit anything.)  Normally when that happens I try to go for a run or find some other way to work out the negative energy other than yelling or hitting things, because that kind of behavior is frowned upon.  It's okay to be angry.  And here's another thing, tell God you're angry too.  He already knows it.  
John 11:35 says that "Jesus wept."  It's the shortest verse in the Bible, but it tells me that Jesus wasn't some stoic, grin and bear it, kind of guy.  No, he felt grief.  He felt emotion to the deepest part of his being.  He was crying because one of his best friends, Lazarus had died.  He sobbed bitterly even though He knew that five minutes later he would raise Lazarus from the dead.  
Jesus doesn't tell us to hide our emotion.  Instead he tells us to bring it to Him.  Tell it to Him.  He knows what the deep, dark, hurt feels like.  Jesus gives us a place to utter those words that we feel have to stay locked in our hearts.  --Kristina

grief

photo courtesy of Dyanna

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley….”

Psalm 23 is a psalm of comfort in the Bible. It reminds us that God is never far from us. Even when we go through the worst situation He is there for us and with us. We need only to cry out to Him. 

It was August of 2004 and my family was vacationing at the beach in Virginia. We got a call from our Aunt in Arkansas that my grandpa had been admitted to the hospital. My grandma had been battling breast cancer over the past two years and to hear that one of my grandparents was in the hospital wasn’t new news. As I laid on the couch watching cartoons my mom and sister were talking when suddenly, my sister began to cry. I got angry and practically screamed at my sister, “He is going to be fine! We don’t know anything yet and it’s not that bad.” As I finished my sentence my mom glared at me and with the simple statement of, “He’s dead,” my world shattered. 

Grief. Anguish. Loss. Emotions pull you in so many ways that you hardly know what to do, what to say, or who to talk to. I called my youth pastor immediately and briefly told him that my grandpa had died and we were cutting vacation short. 

Memories. The whole drive home all I could think of was of our last visit with him and the fun we had had together. I thought about how he would cook us breakfast every morning when we visited; traveling to his wood shop to make toys for the children’s hospital, late evening fishing in his pond, and simply making that famous cheese dip alongside him in the kitchen. I don’t think I have ever cried that much before or since. I became numb as it sank in that I would never see him again, never work alongside him, and never again would we cook our famous cheese dip. 

Psalm 34:17-18 states: “When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of their troubles. The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” 

If you cry out to God, He does hear you. He will save you, if you let Him. Grief is a hard thing to deal with. It takes time. With grief you allow yourself some days to cry and dwell on the memories, then you move forward, slowly. You don’t allow yourself to dwell solely on the memories. You honor the person’s memory but you move forward with your life. You cannot change the past, but you can change and affect the future. 

Grief is a process. First you cry and remember then you may become angry. That’s ok, it’s a way of coming to terms with the loss, and going on with your life remembering the person at times, but not dwelling on them all the time. Don’t try to, “fix it,” but let God heal you. The burden is so much lighter when you let God carry it and you will find immense peace letting God take over. 

--Nick

will

photo courtesy of Moyan_Brenn

What do you want to be when you grow up? 

Have you ever been asked that question? 

            In a similar sense, what is God’s will for you? 

That’s as simple as answering the first question.  

God placed in us unique passions to pursue.  The question that you need to ask yourself is, "Is my passion is honoring to God?"  

So many people graduate from high school and go to college merely because everyone else is going to college.  College is not for everyone.  Some of us love working with our hands and we have no desire to go to college and that’s OK!  Go pursue a trade of some sort.  Working on cars, in factories, in the military, or even union work are just a few of the many options available.  The question isn’t so much what does God will for me, but what skills and gifts has God given me and am I pursuing those things?

            Why were Adam and Eve created?  God created them in His image and they were charged with taking care of the garden in which he placed them.  Their only main instructions were not to eat from one tree in the garden.  If they ate from all the other trees and took care of the garden then they would have a perfect relationship with God.  In essence they were created to worship God and get to know Him.  This is also God’s will for us, that we would come to know Him and worship Him. 

            We humans make life way too complicated.  We have lots of drama, heartache, and many other trials.  That’s not how it was intended.  

God’s original will was and still is for us to know Him and worship Him.  When you understand this, the rest of life becomes easier.  You still struggle, but you now know why you are here on earth and you know what you are supposed to do.  God's will for your life is simply to worship Him in all you say and do.  He put specific passions in you to pursue and he wants you to honor Him by using your gifts and skills.  

--Nick

press

The age old question that many of us face in our life is what if?  What if I had chosen a different career?  What if I chose a different college?  What if I had dated her? What if…

            What if you stopped asking that stupid question? 

You already made whatever decision it is you are second guessing and it won't do you any good to think about something that isn’t going to change your past.  

You can however, change your future.  

This is line of thought that drives people crazy always second guessing themselves when really you don’t have to.  

What is God’s will for your life and how do you know you are in it? You never left it.  

If God is all powerful, all knowing then you are never out of His will.  It’s a matter of if you will go kicking and screaming through life second guessing everything or let go and let God.

            If you look in the first chapter of Job it touches on the kingship of God.  When Satan goes before God, it is God that points out Job and his faith.  When Satan attacks that, God gives Satan His permission to do his deeds against Job and in doing so signifies God’s kingship.  Likewise in life when we struggle or when we doubt it's not God up in heaven pointing and laughing at us, it’s a very simple question He is asking you and I--"Will you trust Me?"  And when you say yes, God shows up and takes care of the struggles and worry.  It's up to you to decide whether or not you will let him show up.

In life you want to look for, “green lights,” or, “open doors.”  You don’t limit God but you allow Him to cover your back.  

What are you passionate about?  

In life I had to choose my profession; teaching.  I graduated with  history education degree to teach teens in grades 7-12.  I looked for and pursed teaching jobs and had over four interviews with schools before I graduated.  

What am I doing now?  I am a youth director for teens grades 7-12.  Not exactly what I expected, but God opened the door to youth ministry and closed the doors into teaching.  Instead of getting angry and only pursuing teaching I took advantage of several opportunities to do youth ministry.  I saw an open door and walked through.  Instead of God closing the door He opened up this door to allow me to be full time in youth ministry.  Likewise wherever you are God has specifically placed you in that position.  

Now it’s a matter of trust.  Will you trust Him?  Will you pursue your passions?  What happens if God shuts a door?  I'd say look for the open doors because an open door is an opportunity to trust Him.

--Nick

Do you remember back in Eden?  Eve was sitting there and the serpent asked her a very pointed question,  "Did God actually say, 'You shall not eat of any tree in the garden'?" (Genesis 3:1)  Let me rephrase, "What if God didn't actually say that?"  All of this sin started with doubting whether or not God actually said something.  Can you see the danger of the "what if" perspective?  

It's so easy to let ourselves travel down a path of what if, and yet God doesn't call us to that.  Instead, God calls us to the "what now" perspective.  2 Corinthians 5:17 says "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."  The "what if" has passed away.  It's as good as dead.  The "what are we going to do now" is what we're all about.  

Every day you wake up, draw breath and have a choice to between living in the "what ifs" and living in the "right now."  

My own illustration of doors is somewhat recent as well.  Last year I started praying about how God wanted me to get involved in church.  Basically this looked like a prayer along the lines of "God, please show me where you want me to volunteer at church."  That's it.  During my time with God, in my journal where I pray and when it came to mind I would ask God.  There were no fancy words just a simple question.  

I've always been interested in youth ministry.  Frankly, I'm not that far out of high school (okay, humor me) and I am a great example of how one or two stupid decisions can change the course of your life. Forever.  I also have a passion for helping others love Jesus in a not-just-Sunday-morning sort of way.  I chatted with Nick about youth group and helped out at the Soul Surfer event.  That would be an example of "pushing on doors".  From there I kept praying and made plans to visit the youth group, which I did and it became completely evident that I would not be able to be a youth leader.  I knew it wasn't the right fit for my schedule and for my skill set.  To be quite honest I didn't feel at peace about it.  It was as if I was a ball of nerves inside and making the commitment to be at youth group was going to feel forced.  I kept praying, though.  I kept talking to God about where he wanted me to plug in at church.  It was then that Nick approached me about Sunday school.  It was better than doing youth group.  Not only did it fit my family's schedule, it is perfect for my skill set.  I was pushing on doors and some, like doing youth group stayed closed.  Others, though, like teaching on Sunday mornings opened up.  

Take college for example--you apply to four different colleges and are praying about which one to go to.  Naturally you have them ranked in your head, the one you most want to attend and the last is the one you feel only so-so about.  One day you see a white envelope with the school's crest on it.  With it clasped between your hands you run inside the house shaking with excitement and then you pause.  This is it.  This letter is going to tell you whether or not you get to go to your number one pick.  You press your fingers under the seal and tear open the top.  Unfolding the heavy paper, you begin to read and your face falls.  Excitement drains from your body.  You didn't get in.  When you apply to college you are pressing on doors.  When you don't get in, that's an easy sign of a closed door.  

Now what happens when you get accepted to all of them?  

I hope that's your dilemma and all I can say is keep talking to God.  He promises He will show you.

--Kristina

  

DTR

D. T. R.

Here is my warning.  I am writing this post strictly as if my audience is a male.  So keep that in mind as you read. My initials are N.O.D. or Nicholas Owen Dunn.  So what is D.T.R.? 

Having genuine friendships with the opposite gender is a healthy and necessary part of life.  Relationships like that allow us to interact with girls and there is also the added benefit that your close female friends can give you advice about the ever-dangerous and elusive ways of the female mind.   Your female friends can also be a great judge of character and can offer advice on what type of girls would be good for you since they know you well.  And guys, we tend to get blinders on when we are dating a girl that we are very attracted to and having some female friends allows us to date wisely.

So what is a D.T.R.? 

It’s the official name for defining the relationship--that time when you’ve become close friends with a girl and you’re feelings are crossing the line from friendship into something more.  At this point you’ll have been best friends with her for a while and you’re completely comfortable around her.  By completely comfortable I mean you can break wind, laugh about it and she is not completely grossed out.  During this time you each may have dated someone else and neither relationship has worked out, but throughout that time you have remained friends and the feelings between you start looking more like a dating relationship than a friendship. 

Once you have initiated this D.T.R you may remain friends, but it might it could have varying outcomes.  Your relationship could become awkward, you could lose the friendship entirely, or you could find your girlfriend and possibly your wife.  (I strongly believe when you date, you are not doing it just to have a girlfriend, but you are telling that girl that you could see yourself marrying her.)

The D.T.R. is not always a death sentence to the friendship, but sometimes it’s needed in order to clarify for both sides, “What exactly are we?”  It allows for the relationship to grow into a either a stronger friendship or a strong dating relationship. 

This is not something you need to do with every female friend and before you do this, you need to think about the effects a meeting like this will have on your relationship.  That being said, as men, we are responsible not to lead girls on and if that is the case then it is your responsibility to clarify that you are only friends.  Likewise, girls also have that same responsibility to communicate to their guy friends a clear way that they are only friends or that they are interested in something more.

Dating does not mean you are solely committed to one person, it means you are finding out through one-on-one dates if that person is worth committing to.  After a couple dates you should know the answer and will need to clarify that between the two of you. 

If you are friends and you start going out on dates you may need to have that D.T.R. to clarify what exactly you are, because after a date or two with a friend you one of you might start having feelings that aren’t reciprocated and as a man it is our responsibility to clearly take the lead and have this conversation if needed. 

 --Nick

Ladies (and guys who are inevitably reading this to get a sneak peek into the female mind), we’re a bit crazy, okay?  A guy holds the door open for us and all of the sudden we are checking him out to see if he is dateable.  A male asks us to lunch and by the time he has turned the bag of chips upside down to make sure he doesn’t miss a crumb of his Fritos we are imagining his last name after ours and writing our love story.  Like I said, crazy. 

We live in a culture where dating relationships are more commonly seen as a way to just have fun instead of a way to find a life-long friend, companion, and spouse.  When a guy is kind or chivalrous (aka opening a door, paying for a meal, etc.) we automatically mistake it for romantic interest and I think at times that has contributed to the downfall of chivalry.  What guy wants to open a door for us when the next thing he knows we are stalking his facebook page, commenting on every post, and gushing about his oh so amazing joke he made yesterday.  Believe me, he is running in the opposite direction!

Here’s a new concept.  Cut your brothers in Christ some slack and just let them be men.  Let them treat you with respect and if they are interested in you as more than a friend I promise you, they will be knocking on your door.  That’s just the way boys are. 

Another point, the best marriages are built on friendships.  I’m sure you’ve fought with your best friend.  Not just a “you sat in my seat” fight, but a full on “I’m giving you your charm bracelet back” or “I’m blocking you on Facebook and reporting you for spamming just to spite you” kind of disagreement.  I’m sure you didn’t like each other in that moment, but in a day or two, when the emotions stopped raging, you forgave each other and reinstated your friendship both on Facebook and in real life.  Your friendship is what got you through that rough patch and believe me, someday marriage is going to be like that.  There will be days that you literally cannot stand the sight of your spouse or you will be angry at them because they forgot to flush the toilet AGAIN and you’re trying to puke into it and it can’t flush fast enough.  (Shake your head now, but believe me, it will happen.)  In those times, it will be your FRIENDSHIP that carries you through.  That’s just one of the many reasons it is so important to cultivate strong friendships prior to dating. 

Lastly, the DTR can be devastating to a friendship, especially when feelings aren’t reciprocated, but don’t let that deter you from developing strong friendships with guys.  Many times those guys are the ones that will take on a role of a buffer between you and other males who want to date you.  They almost act as a protector and will make sure a guy is “good enough” to be dating you.  Their input can be invaluable and just FYI, if a guy tells you to “watch out” for another guy, take their word.  They normally know what they are talking about.

--Kristina

If your relationship looks like this clip you might be in need of a DTR.

friends....and then what?

source

We touched last week on the three different types of love and the differences between them.  What we didn’t touch on was where do friendships fit in these different types of love?  We all have friends that are of the opposite sex, but what then does healthy friendships between the two look like?

Think about it, typically if you are a guy your closest friends are guys and if you are a girl your closest friends are girls.  I know some of you may disagree and say some of your closest friends are actually guys if you are a girl and vice versa. 

That’s actually both normal and healthy, especially during middle school, high school, and college.  In each of these areas many times we are still discovering who we are and what defines us.  A healthy peer group helps us discover who we “gel” with and with whom we may butt heads.

Healthy friendships fit into the agape and philo love areas.  We are called to treat everyone with a degree of respect--that agape love.  That doesn’t always mean we become best friends with everybody, just that we extend a mutual respect to them.  They are acquaintances. 

We all tend to gravitate towards people with similar interests and likes and so as we hang out with similar people typically its mixed company.  As you hang out with your group of friends many times there are disagreements and conflicts thrown in the mix.  This is good for friendships because with it you learn to trust each other and work through different situations.  You also learn that when times get rough you know who you can go to. 

Ultimately the key to friendships is expectations.

Do you expect something from your friends when you do something for them?  Are your expectations unreal?  The key to lasting strong friendships is presence--being there for them and helping them out in times of need.  When there is a healthy give and take and not doing things because you are expecting something in return, the friendship grows stronger. 

But what happens when your friendship with the opposite gender begins to go towards dating?

--Nick

An entire blog could be dedicated to the topic of friendships.  We could call it “Don’t Date Your Friends” or “Dating Ruins A Perfectly Good Friendship” or even “Marry Your Best Friend”.  However, since I only have a few words to share with you today, we’ll keep it in the easy reading format of a list.  Here goes…

A few steps towards a healthy friendship that if it is with the opposite gender may or may not lead into a dating relationship are as follows:

1.)    Be yourself – even if that means you are a complete geek, be yourself.  Even Ned in 17 Again found his Elvish speaking principal.  If you find that you need to act different or change who you are in order to be around another person, then I would sincerely encourage you to re-evaluate the relationship.  I had a friend in high school that was always critiquing me—what I wore, how I dressed, what I said.  Yeah, we’re not friends anymore.

2.)     Encourage each other to follow God and pursue life – high school and college are ripe with opportunity.  You are young and passionate about exploring life (we’ll talk more about passion later) and the chance to explore the world is almost too much to turn down.  If you have a friend, whether a girl or a guy who is holding you back by saying things like, “Don’t go, I just can’t stand to be away from you,” and they actually expect you not to go on let’s say a mission trip or a semester abroad then you may want to distance yourself.  Yes, you will be missed, but is it a once in a lifetime opportunity?  Then go.  Get out of Dodge or Cortland.

3.)    Don’t sleep together.  Maybe this is obvious, but seriously, it needs to be said.  First of all, if you’re not married, it’s wrong.  Secondly, want to ruin a great relationship?  Then go for it.  Sleep together before marriage.  If you are friends enough to have benefits, then you are friends enough to get married.  For life.  True story.

4.)    Pour into each other.  Friendships are not about you.  They are about the other person.  Friendships are this awesome place where we get to challenge each other and encourage one another and help each other become better people.   

So there you have it.  Just four of many points relating to friendships and relationships….but what happens next?  What happens when you meet that person; you know, that person that you can be your dorky, Elvish self around.  The person that makes you want to love God better?  What do you do if they feel the same way about you and even scarier, what if they don’t?  All that and more, next week.

--Kristina

"I Love You." and then the Break Up

So what exactly is love? 

Last week touched on these three different types of love, but when it comes down to it what is love? 

Is it a choice or is it a feeling?

Love, as defined in 1 Corinthians 13, is patient, it is kind, it is without envy, it forgives wrongdoing, and it never fails. 

Many of us tell our parents that we love them and we jokingly use it with other people, but when it comes down to the heart of the matter do we really understand what we are saying when we tell someone, I love you?

What if we said now that Love is both a choice and a feeling? 

It’s a choice in that what you do shows someone that you love them.  When my dad tells my mom that he loves her he doesn’t just say it, he backs it by showing her through the little things he does for her--emptying the dishwasher, cleaning the kitchen when she is at work, encouraging her when she is down, or taking her on a date.  He doesn’t have to do those things but he chooses to do so. 

Love is also a feeling.  As you get to know a person more you feel very comfortable around them and you don’t have to put on a fake smile or a fake self.  You can be real.  You trust them and you feel good around them.  The issue is that love is so much more than a feeling or a choice.  It’s a healthy mix of both. 

The best advice I got on love was from a mentor of mine who told me that when you love someone your heart and your head have to be in it.  There are days when you are not going to, “feel in love,” but you know that you are.  And there are days when you don’t, “know that you’re in love,” but emotionally you care.  Love is a complicated thing and something that you have to work at continually. 

To me love is like John 15 when Jesus says, “If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love...  This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.  Greater love has no one than this--that someone lay down his life for his friends.”

--Nick

The seemingly trite and obvious answer to the question “What is love” is God.  God is love. (1 John 4:8)  There, my post is over.  Psych!  

It’s easy to say that God is love, but when it comes right down to it, living out that truth is difficult at times.  I’m sure you’ve heard the saying that “love is a verb” and it really is.  Jesus was an example of this by not only saying He loves us but by coming (that’s an action) to earth to die on the cross for our sins. 

Love is sacrificial.  

Whether you are talking about loving your friend, your sibling, your parent, your girlfriend or boyfriend, your spouse or one day, your own children, love is sacrificial.  You can give without loving, but you can’t love without giving.  Might I say that if you aren’t giving, whether it is of your time, your skills, or respect—you aren’t loving.

John 15:13 says, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”  

While specifically referencing dying a physical death in place of another like Jesus did, this verse can also encourage us to lay aside our own will, desires, and plans for another.  This is hugely evidenced in my life when my kids wake me up at 3 AM.  Believe me, I don’t want to get out of bed, but their needs trump my own and in laying down my own desire (to stay asleep) I am loving them.

Love can get messy, though.  Love is risky. 

What happens when the person you love doesn’t love you back?  What if they decide that they don’t love you anymore? 

I’ve been there.  To be honest, I’m walking that road this Valentine’s Day.  It sucks.  It isn’t fun.  I could go run to a corner and bawl myself silly because I’m not receiving roses, but I’m not going to.  You know why?  Because God is love.  I know, triteness abounds today, but really, take a moment and stick with me.  Let that sink in.

Love originates with God. 

He’s where it all starts. 

Any love I have for anyone starts with God and His love for me and through me; conversely any love anyone has for me is just God’s love flowing through them.  Since I’m still connected to God through Jesus, I’m still loved one hundred trillion percent.  A person decided not to love…yes, it hurts like heck, but it doesn’t change my eternal, ultimate status.  I remain as loved as I was when I was born and as loved as I will be when I die.  

Whether a person declares to stop loving me, makes no difference.  In some ways I am more concerned for the other party because if they can declare that love has stopped flowing through them, then that evidences a kink in their connection to God.   

And that, my friends is why there will be no bawling on Tuesday.  (plus, roses aren’t that great…technology and books are so much better J)

--Kristina

photo source